"This Beat is Sick"

Finally, a product to help us make it through Lady Gaga's 15 minutes of fame.

Because, if you're like me, every time you hear even a snippet of one of her songs, you have to race to the bathroom. STAT!

It's what my mother calls "The Green Apple Quick Steps."

With this product, you can show Lady Gaga exactly what you think of her "Poker Face."

I suggest that you keep at least one Lady Gaga song in your iTunes.

For those times when you don't have any coffee or bran muffins in the house.

Now, will someone give Lady Gaga a ride on their "disco stick" (whatever the Hell that is) so this bitch will shut the fuck up and go away?

She just keeps coming back. Like roaches. And Madonna.

"I've Had Two Years to Grow Claws, Mother! Jungle Red!"

Philip uploaded this amazing picture of him on Facebook a few days ago. In addition to himself, he tagged me in the picture too.

He tagged me because Philip knew that I would LOVE his Wolverine costume. And I do. He looks incredibly hot. The perfect Super Tuesday pic.

And as for those claws, Philip...

From this angle, they look very "Ribbed for HIS Pleasure."

Am I right? And if so, can I borrow them?

Frequently?

"Stupid Callous Homophobic Hateful Legislation"

My good friend Ruth sent this to me today.

It was fitting that the woman whom I will forever associate with a parody of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" entitled, "I Am Deli, I'm a Jew!"...

"I slice salami for the whole west side.
"I got the business from an uncle who died. (Uncle Shlomo)

"I make potato salad, cole slaw too.
"I am deli, I'm a Jew"

...was the first person to send this parody song to me.

I say "first" because I sincerely hope this video goes viral...

...That's what the kids say, right? Viral? And the videos "go" viral. And going viral is a good thing. Apparently...

...Remember when every form of the word "virus" was not just bad, it killed your friends, and yet Ayds was the name of a candy bar that helped you lose weight?!? Oy...

...because I think it's a brilliant parody. Extremely funny because it's so damn TRUE!

"Lather Up with Leia and You'll Feel Like a Princess Yourself!"

"I wasn't promiscuous ever. I just hit a certain group pretty hard."

- Carrie Fisher

I always knew Carrie and I had a lot in common.

"What in the Hell is a Lady Gaga"

When my mother said that fateful, brilliant, hilarious sentence a couple of months ago ("What in the Hell is a Lady Gaga?"), I didn't know what to say to her.

I still don't.

Then again, I never understood the fascination with Madonna. If you can't sing the intervals in "Sooner or Later," then I'm not impressed.

And before you click "comment," take a moment and remember the 1991 Oscars telecast when Madge sang that Sondheim "Dick Tracy" song live and proved to the entire world that she CAN'T sing those intervals.

That said, Madonna is a genius when it comes to entertainment, image and reinvention. And, from the little I've seen and heard, it seems like Lady Gaga (Doesn't that sound like someone's AOL screen name from 1992?!? Oy...) has Madonna's gift for shock and spectacle, as well as an incredible voice. A voice she knows how to use quite well.

Still, give me Ella's "This Foolish Things" over Lady Gaga's "Disco Stick" any day. I may enjoy one of Lady Gaga's songs occasionally, but an entire album? I don't think so. Unless...

Unless that album of Lady Gaga's music is recorded by Chrisopher Walken. Just watch the clip below and hear his reading of "Poker Face." It's outstanding.

So I'm thinking someone needs to start producing the full catalog of Lady Gaga's music as read by Walken. Stick that on iTunes and I'm buyin'. Release it fast enough and my Christmas shopping is over before its begun!

"Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now!"

Before you bitches even THINK it, yes I've worn that Riddler costume before.

But if you think that I only jump into Frank Gorshin's pants on All Hallow's Eve, you are SADLY mistaken.

Come on. Do you know how many guys have an I'm Batman" fantasy? Well, I don't either, but over the last few years, I've been keeping a tally and it's well into double digits. And that's just in a 5 block radius from my apartment!

And while I would love to be the Boy Wonder for a Dark Knight - - the Dick under a Bruce - - seeing Robin stroll down Halsted St. with Rorschach on Halloween would have been a little too "Seduction of the Innocent" for even my kinky mind.

But Rorschach and The Riddler? An anti-hero and a somewhat reformed super villain? That'll do, pig. That'll do.

And yes, before I could even ask my riddle, you've answered it correctly - - that's Bryant in the Rorschach costume. He was a sensational Rorschach. People were turning around, pointing, totally freaked out by his costume and his portrayal.

He was so Jackie Earle Haley, he scared the piss out of a number of passersby. Literally.

One group of queens saw him and just lost all control down there. As luck would have it, they all were dressed like the little girl on the Morton's Salt container, so their yellow, rubber boots contained most of their accidents. After a few minutes, I'm sure it just felt like Tuesday night at the Eagle to them.

You know, now that I think about it, it's possible Bryant didn't scare them. That might have been part of their Halloween act. Those homosexuals are so clever, aren't they?

****

Tron, however? Bryant scared the piss out of Tron!
Just look...

The poor guy totally short-circuited the entire bottom half of his Tron outfit.
Otherwise known as his, "I'm Wearing 2010's Over Done Costume in 2009, Bitches!"
Great idea. Cool costume.

When I was a kid, I was so technically and artistically lame, my Lite-Brite always looked like a broken Etch-a-Sketch, and this zygote turns himself into Tron with some parachute pants and a couple of glow sticks. Son of a bitch...

****

And you know, I'm not sure if Bryant scared the piss
out of the girls on the roller coaster or not...

...because they were too happy to worry about anything!

They had the coolest and most awe inspiring costume of this or any Halloween!

Other than the Riddler / Rorschach combo, of course...

"Oh, My Goodness!"

I've had Paul Lynde on the brain today. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because Halloween always makes me think of the "Paul Lynde Halloween Special," that landmark of 70's television.

Maybe it's because I have several clips of Paul's "Hollywood Squares" zingers that randomly pop up on my iPod's shuffle mode.

Or maybe it's because I simply stole directly from Paul in "Macabaret" and delivered one of my lines ("Always a Paul Bearer, never a corpse.") using my best Paul Lynde snarly laugh talk.

Whatever the reason, it brought me to this poem of his. Read it while doing your best Paul Lynde impersonation. Don't have a Paul Lynde impersonation? Use your Alice Ghostley voice. It's the same thing. Really.


TROUBLE IN THE TULIP BED, by Paul Lynde

I don't know what to say
A tulip talked to me today

I was trimming the hedge
Quite near the mountain ledge

When lo and behold
My blood ran cold

Yes, a tulip SCREAMED at me today

It was my favorite, the one I call Blanche
She puckered up her petals and screamed AVALANCHE!

Yes, a tulip saved my life today

Now you may not think this quite so much
But you see, most tulips speak Dutch.